Fellas,

Spotify.

You know what music can do in the middle of a long day.

The right song comes on and your shoulders drop a little. Your breathing settles. Your mind stops chewing on the same problem for three minutes. You walk differently. Drive differently. Work differently.

There’s a reason we reach for music when we need energy, when we need to calm down, when we need to disappear inside our own head for a minute.

Darren used it the same way.

Work was work. Life was already heavy. But he could put his headphones in, turn the volume up, and for a little while the day belonged to him.

He and his ex had already separated, but not everything had separated with them. A few bills, accounts, and subscriptions were still tied together.

Then, right in the middle of it, the music stopped.

Account canceled.

He could take watching money disappear into problems he never agreed to create.

He could even take hearing, “Maybe we’d be better off apart,” and wondering whether she had already made up her mind.

But the music? That felt personal.

He sent her a text.

“You took me off Spotify?”

“Yeah. I’m cutting down some of the stuff I’m paying for.”

“You couldn’t give me a heads-up?”

“I figured you’d notice.”

Darren stared at the screen.

“It’s twelve dollars, Darren.”

He knew that.

But twelve dollars wasn’t what he was feeling…

Then there was a conversation about the cars. Both were in her name, but he paid for them, including the insurance on his.

That had been fine. Once she started seeing somebody else, more of their old arrangements began to change.

Now she wanted his car out of her name; he had to figure something out, or she’d take it back to the dealer.

She seemed to be building.

He was replacing things he already had.

A place to live.

Furniture.

A car.

Insurance.

A phone plan.

Every time he stabilized one corner of his life, something else seemed to shake loose.

And he still had to be Dad.

Your world can be on fire and your child still needs breakfast. Your checking account can be bleeding and somebody still needs you to remember practice.

You can have spent half the night staring at the ceiling wondering how the hell you are going to replace the car, straighten out the insurance, pay the deposit, cover the bills, and rebuild a life that used to have a shared system holding it together.

Then your child calls.

And you’re Dad again.

There is a reason that matters.

Researchers have spent decades studying fathers, father involvement, and child development. A systematic review of longitudinal research found positive effects of father involvement across social, behavioral, psychological, and cognitive outcomes, with active and regular engagement emerging as particularly important.

In other words: You matter to your child. Helping with homework. Setting a limit they don’t like but need. Helping them work through a problem without taking over. Encouraging them to try again when they’re ready to give up.

Showing up regularly and being involved in your child’s life helps them learn, grow, and handle what life throws at them.

Which means the season you are going through right now may be teaching your child something too. Parenting doesn’t just happen when we sit a child down and explain something.

Half the time they are learning while we’re doing something else.

They’re watching what Dad does when the plan falls apart. They are watching what happens when somebody hurts him.

Losing pieces of your old life can be devastating, especially when they’re things you still need.

But the question is:

What do I need to build now?

Don’t turn your entire future into today’s to-do list.

Break it down.

If money is the problem, get the numbers out of your head and onto paper. Maybe you need to save $2,500. Now pull that apart.

Aim for $500 a month. Break it down again: $125 a week.

Get paid every two weeks? That’s $250 from each check.

If that isn’t realistic for you cut the numbers in half and keep moving. Give yourself a pace you can keep.

You’re turning something overwhelming into smaller steps you can actually take. That approach works beyond money, too.

Need a better job? Today’s move is updating one section of your résumé.

Trying to repair your credit? Today’s move is pulling the reports and finding out exactly what is on them.

You’ll look around and see people with things you’re still working toward, or things you’re trying to replace. But looking over there won’t change what you need to do over here.

You’re starting from the circumstances you have now, even if they aren’t the ones you would have chosen. Give yourself time to make progress; keep taking the steps you can take.

A man can be improving before his life looks impressive. His bank account may be thin while his habits are getting stronger. His apartment can be small while his debt is shrinking.

That’s progress.

And one day the things that once felt like evidence that your life was collapsing become ordinary pieces of a life you rebuilt.

Your own damn Spotify account.

Until next time

Barkim

P.S. Know a father who’s rebuilding his life right now? Send this his way. You’ll find the share buttons at the top of this email.

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